Idiot Co-Worker Round-Up

Let me start by saying that I don’t have my own office. I share a large space (not quite a cube, but not exactly an office; we have a door, but glass walls) with two other people, and room for one more, if we move the printer. Some days, this is irritating (I’m a manager, after all!), but I’m mostly accustomed to it. What it does afford me is prime eavesdropping opportunity.

Faux Brit J
Terribly hard done by, and making certain the world knows it.

J’s job involves occasionally taking incoming calls from clients. Note the word ‘occasionally.’ And yet, J is always on the phone, and as soon as the picks it up, her voice goes up several decibels, and she adopts a terrible fake British accent. Personal call, business call, it doesn’t matter; out comes The Voice.

J’s circle of friends must be huge, because she tells the same story several times a day, and has for the five months she’s been here. It’s a tale of adversity and triumph, in which J’s Evil Former Employer let her go in favor of Another Woman. And only two weeks later (two weeks!), Other Woman left Evil Former Employer for Fabulous Job, and, hahaha, didn’t EFE regret their hasty decision now? Oh, they missed J once she was gone, yes they did.

J’s friends also serve as vital instruments in the execution of her duties. Specifically, she has to call several of them after each legitimate business call to deconstruct the conversation. There are some amazing things that come out of these calls, but by far my favorite has been today’s “New Yorkers are just nasty people!”

You know, because the client suggested that she should actually do her job properly and efficiently.

SweetnSycophantic L
In her natural habitat, L is dressed as Snow White and conversing with all her woodland friends.

L bounced around the company a bit, working as a temp for various departments before being hired on full-time in her current position. Nothing wrong with that, I did a bit of it myself (although, looking back, I wonder why I was so very determined to work here. Well, in fact, I know the reason, but some secrets should stay buried.). L, however, seems to have taken away from the experience the lesson that she must be very, very grateful to have any job at all. She manages to combine an already saccharine personality with the sort of sycophantic toadyism and favor-currying that makes all right-thinking people gag.

Plus, she uses emphatic quote marks in every. Single. Email.

Really, it’s best if you see it in her own words:

I have a prefered [client] who is inquiring about “definitions”... Please see an excerp from the following email:

[Excerpt from client’s initial email]

I don't know the answer to this and need to be educated on this myself. I eagerly await any wisdom you may be able to impart.

Ooh, this is fun! Maybe I'll make it a Friday feature.