Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Grrr...

Would someone please record Reaper on channel 11 (CW) tomorrow night from 9-10? We're the last people in the world without a TV-watching device, I know, I know. I won't be able to watch it, and I'm so curious about this show! Pretty please?

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Monday, September 24, 2007

Thank You

Thank you to everyone who commented on my burglary post, whether here or privately. I really appreciate everyone's support. You've helped me remember that I have wonderful friends, and put everything in perspective.

Really, it could have been so much worse: no one was home at the time, so no one was hurt, and they really didn't take all that much. I won't comment here on what Man-Friend lost, although he got hit worse than me. As far as I can tell at this point, they only took the jewelry and my camera, and possibly a checkbook. They broke a few things, but nothing major.

The irritating bit is that it turns out I'm not covered under the homeowner's insurance. We thought that living in the home would be enough, but it turns out that if you're a filthy skank living in sin rather than a chaste and virtuous wifey, you have to have purchased separate insurance. Grr. (I'm not sure what the rules are for skanky wifeys - check your policy.) So, unless my camera shows up somewhere, it's gone. The jewelry is still questionable; some pieces were mine, so they're lost, but the stuff that was my mom's was willed to my step-father, as was all of her stuff. We don't know yet whether his insurance will cover it, since it was out of his house.

So, things I've learned. Please, everybody go do this if you haven't. (Unless you're a jerk and I don't like you, in which case, please skip this section*.)

1: Check your homeowner's/renter's insurance policy. Read the fine print. Know exactly what it covers, where the loopholes are, and buy extra coverage if you need to. Your insurance company will not take care of you any further than they are contractually obligated to, and they have lawyers to figure that out.

2: If you don't have insurance, get it. If you can't possibly afford it, look into a safe deposit box for the really important stuff (personal documents, irreplaceable stuff, jewelry, whatever you don't need every day, but couldn't bear to lose).

3: Document your stuff! As soon as it's missing, you will forget what you had. Keep records of your valuables, including serial numbers, identifying marks, photos, anything that might help find it - the cops will want this, and if the information is all in one place, it will be easy to go down the list and see what's missing. You may want to get jewelry or antiques appraised - this will help with getting reimbursed by your insurance company. Keep the list someplace away from the actual stuff; you don't want it to get stolen as well. Your safe deposit box is a good choice for this.

4: Back up your data. What will you lose if your computer is stolen? How about your cell phone? Do regular back-ups of photos, documents, financial information, phone numbers, whatever you keep in there. Even if it isn't stolen, your computer has a shorter lifespan than you do.

5: Information is valuable. Once you've backed everything up, consider what someone could do with the information on your computer. Is it set to automatically log you in to your bank account? Email? P*yp*l? Do you balance your checkbook or track your investments in there? Do you keep a list of account numbers or passwords? Consider encrypting important information if you can't delete it.

6: Make your house difficult. Most houses are only good at keeping honest people out. Luckily, you don't need a drawbridge and a moat filled with alligators, you just need to be more difficult than some other place. Put sticks in your sliding doors or windows. Plant bushes under windows to make them less accessible. Post the sticker that came with your alarm system, and remember that it won't do you much good if you forget to turn it on.

7: Be ready to cancel your credit cards and change bank accounts at a moment's notice. Know what's auto-debited, and when. Know what charges or checks are outstanding. Know which check numbers should be sitting in your desk, and make sure they're still there. Remember that they may not take the whole checkbook, they might just rip a few out of the back. Know what you're liable for in terms of fraudulent charges, and notify your bank any time you suspect your account may have been compromised.

8: Check your credit report regularly. You can get a free report annually, but it's probably worth buying them more often if you think something may be going on. Dispute incorrect information as soon as you find it; the burden is on the company reporting it to prove that you wrote that bad check.

9: Get to know your neighbors. The more social you are with them, the more likely they are to notice that a stranger is wandering around your house while you're at work. That whole city-wide block party thing does have a purpose. If you're going to be away, consider asking a neighbor (or two) to keep an eye on your house; it certainly couldn't hurt (unless your neighbor is the breaking-in type, but in that case, you're probably screwed anyway).

10: Relax. If you've prepared for the possibility of a break-in, know that there's not much else you can do. Fussing about it any further won't help. If it does happen, you can't make it un-happen, and wishing uncontrollable diarrhea on the burglar is probably bad for your karma. File your police report, call your insurance company, secure the perimeter and clean up the mess, and then treat yourself to a hot bath, a trashy novel, and some bon-bons.

*Just kidding, sort of. Please do pass this along to your friends and lovers; being robbed sucks.

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Thursday, September 20, 2007

To the Complete Fucking Bastard Who Broke Into My House and Stole My Shit

I hope your dick shrivels up and falls off. If you haven't got one, let's go for kidneys, shall we? I wish you boils, and pestilence, and the whole damn nine plagues (I can't actually wish death of the firstborn on anyone, but I do hope your firstborn becomes an honest and upright cop and hauls your miserable ass off to jail).

The jewelry was my dead mother's. Some of it belonged to various other dead mothers on up the line. The completely unlocked jewelry box that you ripped the latch off of? Sentimental value. I'd take a photo, but, well, it turns out I have no camera anymore. You broke my DPNs. You tangled my yarn. I hope you have a horrible wool allergy and get tetanus.

But more than that, you violated my home. Where I live. Where I sleep. Where my son lives. I look at it and I don't feel safe anymore. You rifled through my fucking underwear, you asshole.

In a week in which I'm supposed to be contemplating my failures of the past year, I'm mostly thinking about finding you and punching you in the fucking face, which is something I normally reserve for wishing on the executive branch.

Apparently I'm not a very good person.

Oh, and also? Fuck you.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Also, the Emperor Is Totally Naked

So, last night Matt was sitting on the floor reading the paper.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say that he was failing to defend the paper from Adam, who wants to do everything Daddy does these days. Being the wise fellow that he is, he decided to sacrifice the front section in hopes of getting a look at the others.

Adam was thrilled to have his own newspaper, and ran over to show me.

"Mommy, see the monkey? Mommy see the monkey?" He shoved the paper at me.

It took me a moment to realize that he was pointing to a picture of our illustrious president.

I swear, I haven't been coaching him.

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Thursday, September 06, 2007

Requiescat in Pace

Luciano Pavarotti

Maybe the boys will put up with me playing loud opera music this evening?

Or maybe I should dig out my headphones.

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Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Things I Never thought I'd Say

Your penis is inside your diaper right now; you can see it later.

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Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Nothing to Say

Five years ago today, my sister died.

I don't have a touching post for you. I won't be sharing my favorite memories or telling you what I've learned. I don't have words for how I feel; I don't have useful lessons or helpful advice.

Sometimes it's horrible. Sometimes it's quiet. It's always there.

I miss you, Al.

Raise a glass tonight, will you?

Oseh shalom bim'romav hu ya'aseh shalom aleinu v'al kol Yisrael. V'imru amein.

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